Posted by: ButterflyMoms | January 21, 2011


Thank you ButterflyMoms for your help especialy Helen for reaching out!

Beautiful ButterflyMoms,

First, I want to thank Helen Bannigan for her wonderful guest post yesterday. It is wonderful to have heart friends like her and those who reached out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for lightening my burden and giving me a renewed sense of hope!

I find myself in a very precarious part of my life’s journey. For the most part, it does not feel very good to be where I am right now.  If I take the fear and the judgment away I can say that I am definitely experiencing a lot of deep “shifts”. There is a river of rapid, unexpected CHANGE currently re-arranging my life… and that usually does not feel very good to us humans, especially when you seem to be following “the” rules, but not getting the promised results.

I’ve been in a phase where something “icky” happens and I dust myself off,  put on a “stiff upper lip and conjure up all the self-help advice I’ve acquired over the years. Then another “Icky” thing happens, then another, then another, almost like “instead of it’s raining men, it’s raining icky.” It gets so bad that you start to think that the universe is pulling a cruel joke on you. It is seems like your whole life is deconstructing without your conscious consent. You think you are at that bottom and then you arrive at a new lower, bottom. Your life seems to be in free-fall mode. You feel scared, disconnected, and angry.

Life sometimes feel overwhelming!

As someone who has been to third world countries and seen how many/most of the people of our planet Earth live, there is a part of me, THE JUDGE, who rides me like a mule. “Look at you! You have running water, heat, a car that works, healthy children, a body that works, etc…SNAP OUT OF IT! “ And I did,  I did “snap out of it again and again but there is a part of us that we bury when we simply “snap out of it” without acknowledging what is going on because it’s not convenient, or it makes others uncomfortable, or because it does not feel good, or_____________ (you fill in your own answer).

I get the sense that many feel this way but being raised the way we have been it is not “proper” for us to feel “icky” for very long or even simply be ANGRY. Well-wishers and loved ones also tell me to think about all that I have and to be thankful for that. It is true that I do have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes we feel what we feel and cutting off those feelings or sugar-coating what is going on in life, well quite honestly, sometimes life just SUCKS!

I remember back to a time when we had someone from Early Intervention coming to the house when we first had Sophia. Wise, white-haired Barbara was a wonderful soul who came to the house once a week to help us cope with Sophia having Downs and to make the most out of her life. She had a conversation with Doug once that helped snap everything into place. Barbara also had a special needs son who was now a man, she just blurted out one day, “Ya, it sucks.” Just saying those words released Doug in a very deep way. To be able to say that it sucks that you are in that situation without all the KUMBAHYAH fanfare feels REFRESHING! It is acknowledging your true feelings, not what you are supposed to feel.

What does it all mean when it's all falling apart.

It is only when we acknowledge that things do ROYALLY SUCK that we can begin to “move past the sucking”!!! Ignoring it just lets the SUCKINESS grow and fester. It may seem to go away but it only gets nastier and when it finally oozes back into your life you will wish you had addressed it MUCH sooner.

I spent my whole life creating a plan and working that plan of how to avoid pain and have the life I wanted. Over the last few years the universe has completely blown up that world. I AM RAW. Right now my life feels like it’s coming at me full speed. I feel like a rag doll getting thrown around. I don’t know where life is leading me but I will continue to be as authentic and present as I know how. Mark your calendars to come back every Friday for the unfolding journey. Feel free to share your comments below. This is how we can all learn and grow our ButterflyMoms souls.

Great big hugs,



PS  My first book “Entrepreneurial Moms Extraordinaire” is scheduled to be shipped at the end of next week. For ButterflyMoms who order it online it is discounted to $19.99 for ButterflyMoms (down from $25). Please order a copy and recommend to your online friends. Click here to buy, and post the link on your Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, ….

PPS Yesterday we had our first Stitch n’ Bitch at Doug Sent Me Green Cleaners in the downtown of an idyllic New England town called Holliston, Massachusetts. It was sooooo incredibly cathartic. It was so wonderful that the people who came asked if we could do it again in two weeks instead of a month. If you don’t live close enough to Holliston to come Thursday, Feb 3 from 6-8pm then join your own group. Building community is another way we feed our soul. For more information you can go to their official website….


  1. As always great honesty and writing. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Everyone feels sorry for themselves sometimes – sometimes with good reason. I can’t really comment on you or your life, but I know without a doubt that when that “icky” state sets into MY mind, it’s entirely due to a lack of gratitude. It’s a case of the “Poor Me’s”. I didn’t get my way and I’m pissed – like a 3 year old having a hissy fit. For me it’s a dangerous and deadly place to stay for long. The only way out is through a concerted effort to reconnect with my higher power and realize the abundance of blessings in my life. I have to write a gratitude list of at least 20 things in my life that I’m grateful to have. A pen and paper are a must. Then I hit my knees and pray for the willingness to feel grateful for them. And I also have to meditate to recenter and listen in silence for my answer. I have to do it daily (or more often if necessary) until I come back around.

    We all have burdens. We all have blessings. It’s a personal decision which we want to fill our vision.

    Namaste my friend

  3. Hugs 🙂

  4. Maria my love,
    I hear what your saying but I have to share this with you because I love you. I’ve been listening to Gregg Braden talking on the universe and the forces of. What we think and believe is what we manifest. What’s happening in our lives is mirroring back what we feel our lives are. Icky, angry, falling apart, sucky are all words that will bring the ickies, suckies and falling apart into your life. There are two kinds of mirrors for us that which show us our actions or that which show us our judgments. Is your life mirroring back your actions or your judgment on others, God and the world in general? He states our fears come from the 3 primal universal fears. abandonment, self-worth and trust. Can you tap into which of these fears are coming up for you right now? Do you feel abandoned, do you feel your worthy, do you trust the events that are happening to you in your life. As much as it feels “sucky” this is the universe’s way of getting your attention. It’s our job to try and understand what it is the universe wants us to learn and what fear we need to move through. Trust in yourself, know you are worthy and you will never be abandoned.
    I love you sweetie and all will work out for your higher good!!!
    Look for the subtle signs in this experience! “You can kick my butt in school!!” LOL

  5. Dear Friend:
    It is always darkest before Dawn. You are on the right track for healing when you can openly express your true feelings. Too many of us have been conditioned to withold our feelings and keep a “Stiff Upper Lip” Keep all that stuff inside and it can kill your physical well eing and Spirit. I lost two sons early in life and still feel the loss. I have buried myself in all kinds of activities but all came to a head when my husband died 4 years ago. Two weeks after heis death, my father died! I had to become strong, fly to Buffalo and deal with his funeral arrangements. Then I was digagnosed with a brain tumor and had surgery. Fortunately, the tumor waas benign. I am slowly learning nto take care of me and be my own best Mother/Father. It”s hard work but well worth the effort. Hang in — better Days are ahead. You are being prepared for something GREAT!!

  6. As I read this.. my HEART hurts.. and then I realize that it is not mine… I love it and say thank YOU for my GIFT to ‘feel’ through words.

    All I can say.. is that we have ‘those moments’ in our life.. where we get to see past the illusion of this fear-based thinking and see it for what it is.. YOU start to shed the layers of resistance and simply re-member at the Highest Level that YOU were a creator in this Journey of Life prior to living it now.. As YOU can sit with what is in front of YOU and ask what am I meant to ‘teach’ through this.. what am I meant to ‘grow’ from this.. the answers then become clear!

    I also know that as we start to ‘quiet our minds’ and allow our HEARTS our SOULS to have voice.. they are all about leading the way with LOVE… the unconditional kind.

    So appreciate YOUR ability to speak with complete transparency. Sending waves of love for clarity, purpose and the miracle of unfoldment to realize that some of the MOST gifted kids came in different forms so that they COULD BE OUR TEACHERS!

  7. Onward and upward my dear friend, I’ll always be here with hugs and tea.

  8. “part of us that we bury when we simply “snap out of it” without acknowledging what is going on because it’s not convenient, or it makes others uncomfortable, or because it does not feel good, or_____________ (you fill in your own answer).” – I can relate, Maria. I enjoy this article, thank you. And I hope you find your way and feel better soon 🙂

  9. Dear Maria – you need to allow yourself to feel the icky and know that sometimes life isn’t good – sometimes it sucks. If you don’t allow yourself to feel like that, you will eventually implode. Trust me on this one – “I’ve been there done that”.
    OK – so don’t stay there for long though because it will still be icky when you return & ignoring it won’t fix it. I know, I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know.
    Do you have someone you can talk to? Someone that can validate how you feel? If not, you need to get someone. You need to allow yourself the down time – you can’t always have the brave face and be there for everyone else.
    My prayers for healing are with you & your family.

  10. I sit here and say I have felt like that at one time… but I would be lying to you and me… So I going to tell you that I have felt like that multiple time since the day I lost my dad at the tender age of 5… and I would be lying if told it gets better cause it does not… I have had to many losses in my life and at the same time I had wonderful gifts… Please stay focus for you have survived once or twice and can this time… and know that prays are being offered and lots of love and hugs…

    Your old friend,

  11. Beautiful, honest, raw, inspiring, currently-icky-feeling Maria.

    What an astounding, loving, caring, thoughtful and thought-provoking community you have built up and nurtured here on Butterfly Mom’s. I feel honored and grateful to be a part of it and humbled that so many women are sharing their intimate thoughts/ experiences, guiding each other on our respective paths, providing support through kind words and recommendations. What a gift!

    Maria, you know you are safe in spite of these current ickies, and are surrounded by intimate family/friends who are physically close to you as well as a – literally – global community of soulful women who support you and send you strength, healing thoughts, and love. Slow down, and feel the love. Let’s catch up with a skype call this week – you name the time, I’ll work my schedule around it. With love, friendship, and appreciation for you in my life. xo Helen

  12. Maria,
    You are a soul that truly is truly trying to figure things out. I have been through many of the expereinces that you talk about. As a mother of five, I’ve had many expereinces that I’d rather forget but I’m so very grateful that God has allowed me to be a mother. It is through family life that I’ve come to the realization of what’s truly important to me and my soul.

    I’ve found that the more I look outside of myself – the better I feel about life.

    Many things just cannot be changed, no matter how much effort we put into them.

    We need to accept what we can’t control – knowing that God has it all in control.

    I’ve heard the analogy that when we die we are able to see our lives as a beautiful tapestry – every stitch has a purpose, the direction of it, the color of it, where it’s placed, how long it took to make it.

    When we turn the tapestry around we see all the strings going in every direction – it can look pretty messy and confusing. Then we begin to understand the beauty of letting our Creator guide us and comfort us in the knowledge that life can be very lite, happy, loving, fulfilling but also very trying, hard, sometimes very dark. The beauty is that the Creator is with us every step of the way, very often supporting us when we don’t reailze it.

    We are never alone. God gives us lesons to learn each day, all day long.

    Putting the care and attention we feel full of to our immediate family is our greatest challenge and gift. That is how we will learn what it means to love. To be able to put others before us is a humbling thing, but necessary to our growth as sous.

    God really loves you Maria – just as you are.
    Have Peace about your life – as I try everyday to have peace about mine…

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