Posted by: ButterflyMoms | March 4, 2011

I’m Sorry I Simply Can’t FIT My FEELINGS in TODAY!


Good Morning Beautiful ButterflyMoms,

WOW! For the first time in a long time I feel overwhelmed by what to write. I like to write with whatever is coming and when my mind gets in the way with “helpful” suggestions I feel very disconnected. I’m simply noticing this, not judging it.

If I am to be honest with you and with myself, what is really coming up for me is my beautiful baby girl Sophia. ButterflyMoms has grown to about 700-1,000 readers a week on a consistent basis and some of you don’t really know why it started. My motivation for doing ButterflyMoms was the life and sudden death of our 13 month old daughter Sophia, MY ORIGINAL BUTTERFLY. Yesterday someone who did not know asked all the questions that you THOUGHT had finally had enough time to “accept”. Most times it is fine and even welcomed. Yesterday, however my emotions came out in a big way and I missed her as if her death had just happened. Grief is not a linear journey! THAT is for sure!!!

As a mother who has lost a child, you miss your child’s touch, voice, smile, smell…Ohhhhh and Sophia had SUCH an awesome, awesome smell. She smelled like wonderful flowers. It was uncanny! I LOVED to nestle my nose up against her tummy to selfish get the biggest whiff I could and have the side benefit of those amazing giggles!! You can understand the connection we had a bit more to know that when I walked into the funeral home and saw her in her little casket, just SEEING her, my body started instantly lactating. I had to put on a coat because my shirt was drenched with milk. My heart was crying as my body was still soooo connected with her that is was trying to feed her body, even as my mind knew she was dead. Even though we are approaching the fifth year of her death, it is still devastatingly heartbreaking at times. I know there are lots and lots and lots of gifts that have come from this. I am not in any way knocking them. It is just society, in general, wants you to MOVE ON and to be honest that is partially true. REPLAYING the past again and again is a waste of the present HOWEVER sometimes as you go along living with your daily business feelings come up that are VERY strong. WARNING: This is NOT the time to have a stiff upper lip! When a feeling comes up pay attention to it. If you don’t take care of it, it will “take care” of you! THAT IS FOR DAMN SURE!

Things, ESPECIALLY feelings, that we STUFF DOWN to “get rid of them” only start to fester and puss. It is much better to let yourself FEEL what is happening in that moment because there are gifts that come from those OPENINGS too! Here are some of the gifts I got from staying open yesterday…

Gift Number 1…When I went to pick up my youngest from preschool I was in a very “feeling state”. Immediately, like a tractor beam a mom, whom I rarely see, out-of-the-blue confided her fear in what was going on with her own son’s health. Kate was replaying the FUTURE WHAT-IF MOVIE to try to keep him safe. The interesting thing is that if you stay in this “movie” you oftentimes miss the cues in the present that will prevent that movie from occurring. (DEEP BREATH – FEEL THAT STATEMENT) Kate seemed a lot more grounded and happy as she drove away.

Gift Number 2…After Kate left, another mom Dima came to pick up her daughter and when she asked about my day I felt a huge emotional wave building. As I felt it get bigger I asked for what I needed….a hug. I broke down sobbing, the kind that I don’t usually do around people I don’t know very well. I had no choice. It felt wonderful to receive such a beautiful gift of a deeply caring hug and fully being present with another person. I believe that she also felt she received a gift- that of being able to be fully present with another human being.

Gift Number 3…Went to Medway with my two youngest girls to run some errands for Brick House Realty and ButterflyMoms. We stopped to get hot chocolates (no whip, no foam, extra side of love) 😉 and there was a mom there with her son who had AMAZING energy. We spoke a bit and then as we were getting into our cars I approached her, told her I had a very emotional day and that my intuition was telling me to invite her to come read the ButterflyMoms blog. ( I had business cards made and pass them out all the time! If you need some let me know!) Well, ButterflyMoms, it was yet another direct hit on the LOVE fest chart! As “luck” would have it she is a cancer survivor and was out with her little son to take in the precious moments she had! We hugged three times!!! 😉 It made both of us feel better. It felt soooooo good!!

Gift Number 4…Spent time with my oldest daughter Mialotta. It was time JUST for her and me. I spend a lot of time with her, just not always PRESENT time. This time I was and I could see the joy in her face and I’m hoping it was a reflection of the joy in my heart that she was mirroring…think maybe it was.

Gift Number 5…One of my client’s, her dad has cancer and the prognosis is not good. I shared my day with her and shared the quiet wisdom I acquired from the day. I did not give her all the details. I simply held a certain energy level that I felt affected her in a very loving way. It was the perfect way to end such an incredible day!

May you allow your feelings a voice and notice all the gifts that come from you being present and vulnerable, knowing that no matter what you are ALWAYS SAFE and ALWAYS LOVED!

I LOVE YOU! :)!

Great big honkin’ hugs sistah- friends!

Mariaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 

🙂

ButterflyMoms founder…YAY!

PS For those who have not heard we BUTTERFLYMOMS have won our FIRST AWARD!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! (standing ovation!!!) We won the “IRRESISTIBLY BRILLIANT BLOG AWARD. I need a couple more weeks to pick our top 10. If you have any suggestions let me know!

PPS It has been four weeks since my BIG DREAM got delivered to me, the book I helped write called “Entrepreneurial Moms Extraordinaire”!!! I sold only TWO books last week which is way below my goal. If you have been meaning to buy yours please do now. My goal is to sell at least 300 in 2011. The people who have read it truly love it! You simply can’t fit any more love into a book! 😉 I sign every book and wrap it with lots of love! You never know what magic comes to you when you create magic for others! To order now go to http://bit.ly/gRxe4U

Here is where the books have gone to ButterflyMoms…

UNITED STATES

California

Sacramento 1

Massachusetts

Ashland 1

Holliston 6

Hudson 4

Medway 1

Worcester 2

New York

Scarsdale 1

Stony Brook 1

Ohio

Dublin 1

Rhode Island

Newport 1

AUSTRIA

Wien, Austria 2

IRELAND

Dublin, Ireland 1

ITALY

Rome, Italy 3

When you buy a book you represent your area. Let’s see where all the ButterflyMoms live!!! :)! This is FUN! To buy your copy Click here now… http://bit.ly/gRxe4U

Please tell your friends to mark their calendars to read ButterflyMoms EVERY Friday! 🙂 SPREAD THE LOVE…It’s fun and free!!!!

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Responses

  1. As always i find my self waiting for your email so i can feed my soul ! Funny,,,I tried your line last night at the Cafe…lol…..The Girl said excuse me ?? I said Half milk no sugar with a extra side of Love….She left so hard she had to wipe the tears away from her face…LOL !! just to make my coffee….She told me that she was all out of extra love…and smiled and told me, Thats about the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me !! She smiled and asked me my name and told me her name was Bella…I told her that’s my moms mid name..Yvone Isabella Sousa !! And i told that when i really wanted something from my mom i always called her Isabella !! and i guess that’s how she know i really wanted something…It’s Funny i was thinking about her last night cuz these month mark 14 years ago she had a Massive Stroke……If Feels like it was yesterday…I miss her today just as much as the day i lost her…She Was truly my best friend.. I Miss the way she Smelled most of all..

  2. thank you!!!!!

  3. Maria my sweet love,
    We find comfort in the knowing of the soul and that Sophia is always with you in soul but the honoring of her as your daughter and the sweet being she was should never be pushed aside or forgotten. That little girl impacted your life in a way beyond words and to think we have to get over it or shove it down, I think would be dishonoring you and her. Remembering her in the way that you do honors her existence in this lifetime and the pain you feel in not being able to experience her physical being is real and a true tribute to her. This may sound cruel but I think you know what I mean when I say I hope you never “get over it”. I hope the pain will lessen as time goes on and you find some peace in the knowing that you will be reunited again but why would we want to forget the beauty and experience of someone we loved. To remember is painful but what a grace to be able to feel and remember! In those moments of rememberence cry your tears, honor your daughter and love yourself for being who you are. As Michael Newton says, Souls want us to be happy for them and I’m sure Sophia wants you to be happy in ever way you can. If you need to feel the pain then allow yourself that privledge and awareness, be tender and loving with yourself. Know that as time goes on the memories remain but the pain lessens. It has not been that long for you and you are exactly where you are. No more, no less, just being!!
    I love you!
    Sandy

  4. Thanks for opening up and sharing with everyone your inner most feelings. Enjoy your journey and continue to share your love.

  5. Beautiful Maria. Thank you for the sharing your gift yesterday. It was a privilege and I’ve been thinking about you and Sophia since. see you next week. I’m so proud to be a new butterfly mom! love and peace, Dima

  6. Love and honor to you and Sophia xo

  7. Milu, you can add Iraq to your list…for a little while longer at least.

    Love you,
    Joao

    • I LOVE YOU JOAOZINHO! Cannot wait to see you again! Mialotta is going to squeeze you SUPER, SUPER HARD! Get ready!!!

  8. I send you a hug “on butterfly wings” from here in Portland…with an extra side of love as well!

  9. 1. My dear Maria I am sorry. I’m always late with my letter.
    My compassionate and caring words for my love ButterflyMoms Mommihood’s Blog!
    I know. You are my favorite person in life and you have a lot of patience and understanding for me. So many years I had so sought a loved one like you and you are always there in the loving relationship with me. I can not say often enough that I have learned so much from you every day. What I had not previously known to share a soul so wonderful. I thank you from my heart, what do you do anything for me.

    2. My sensitive soul of the dear little angel Sophia: I do not know. How do I start, assign you my deep sympathy with. It breaks my heart and my heart just thinking about it. His little pet no longer hold in their hands to look into his eyes, feeling the soft skin and smell and hear no more the first smile and language. A thought is intolerable, with how much pain you are connected in one every minute. and helplessly as one is in such moments. Every day, hoping it would be the same as previous posting was as the Sophia you’ve taken every day in your arms and you’re stroking.
    Your love for your child is the greatest experience for you. Only this love is important and that child will be accepted and loved and to be the most important experience. Every moment is infinitely precious.

    Yet little poem: You look in your eyes and your heart overflows,
    you took your hand and your heart is bursting,
    much love can not be described.
    Want to protect your life,
    Shower you with your love.
    So much tears of fear and anxiety you have shed,
    and your heart is so full of love.

    3. A tale of two little girls. …
    I know you very well, even if you know me, perhaps in the nature still correct. When you stand up and sleep when you’re going. I know all your ways. I counted all the hairs on your head. I have created you in my image. By me living and do it. Their children for mine. I knew you even before you were born. I have called you when I planned creation. You were love. I have written every single day of your life in my book. I have appointed the date and place of your birth and thought about where you would live.
    I created you to an amazing and wonderful way. I have you in my body to pieces of art. I brought you forth on the day of your birth. People who knew me, have represented me in the right way. I’m always there when the sun rises and when the sun goes down. I am the love in person. I would like nothing more than give you my love every day.
    I offer you more than a mother on earth ever could. I am the most perfect mother. All the good things you receive come from me. I still all your needs and take care of you. My plan for you, full of hope and a future. I love you with a love that will never end. My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the beach. I’m so glad over you that I can only rejoice. I will never stop doing good to you. Since your a precious treasure for me. I wish deeply to set up and you laid your life to provide support. I will show you great and marvelous things. If you will seek me with all my heart, I will give you every day of love.
    Have your joy in me – I will give you just what you yearn for. I myself have put into these needs and desires in you. I can do much more for you than you can imagine.

    I am the one who encourages you the most. If your heart is broken, I am close to you. As a shepherdess carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Every day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I’ll take away all the pain of your life. I am your love and caring mother I love you as much as I love my new partner about everything. My daughters love it reflects my being in a perfect manner.
    I am in this world, to show that I have to take responsibility and love for you. I come to tell you, you both since my life. The mother’s love is so deep and beautiful.
    I gave up everything for you, because I have your love every day. If her my gift that I make you annehmt, we receive a perfect union of our love. Nothing can ever separate us from our love. You come home every day, so we can enjoy the food and other things that has ever seen the sky. I am always your loving mother and a mother will always be for you. I tell you now: you since my children and my beautiful love that I own daily lives deep in my heart. I’m waiting for you every day.


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